Beware Of Writer

Fuck it. 

I WILL BE A MALE NARRATOR.  I WILL DO IT.

Anonymous asked: Its not crazy to believe in the Resurrection of Christ. If you're questioning your faith, it means you're not right where you need to be in your relationship with the Lord. Remember, its not about what religion you are. God hates religion. Its a relationship between you & Christ. If you're doubting, simply pray. Open your heart to the Lord & listen. He speaks to you through his word, the Bible. Just Pray. & remember, God loves you!

No, I know it’s not crazy to believe to believe in the Resurrection. I have believed all my life, I was just putting that out there to contrast the whole “questioning” thing. Like I have the basics down, but I wanna dig deeper, you know? Thank you anon!

Plain and simple, I’ve begun to question my faith.

Not the existence of God.  You know that feeling that you know someone bigger is out there, because this world couldn’t possibly have been made by an accident?  When the sun glints through the trees on a warm Summer evening or watching the stars at the beach?  When a car gets into an accident or a building explodes, something beautiful isn’t created.  It’s a mess.  So it stands to reason that He exists.  It’s beyond our comprehension, sure, but I’d feel a hell of a lot worse if it was just us out here.  Human beings are beautifully disgusting things.

I’m living proof that someone’s out there. I was told to be aborted and my Mom said no.  I was supposed to be a dwarf.  My first few years of life were nothing short of a miracle.  I should have been dead.  But I’m here.

A part of me has guilt that I’m questioning.  It’s everything I grew up with, everything I’ve ever known, and because of that I have to ask questions.  It’s not like I grew up in a horrible environment; I have no reason to really complain.  We have a house, a family, jobs.  Only thing out of place is the divorce.  We’re accepting it though.  A year ago I was afraid to even talk to my Dad on the phone while near my Mom.  Things have really improved, and I’m happier.

I guess it came to a boil today.  Church announcements basically consisted of a woman saying she was going on a missions trip and (tada!) needed funds.  From what I’ve seen attending this church, I’ve never seen her mentioned or established as a big missions buff.  She said she’d organized some sort of dinner social thing and that she was offering a silent auction for her photography.  I’m pretty sure I just established myself as the resident amateur photographer at the church’s talent night, lady.

And then the pastor’s wife practically begged the congregation to sign up for VBS, because everyone knows how annoying and sticky children can be.  This is the third Sunday in a row and like one person signed up.

Has anyone ever heard of Teen Challenge?  The women’s group visits our church from time to time, and it’s nothing short of a spectacle.  (I apologize if you know someone or have been in the program, but bear with me)  Every time they come it’s the same contrived, almost brainwashed stories. 

I was on hard drugs and on the street and bam God found me.
I was homeless and bam God found me.
My family wanted nothing to do with me and bam God found me.
I was an alcoholic and bam God found me.
Now I’m on tour singing and asking you for funds.

Sounds legit.

No one’s a lesbian, huh?  Or a criminal?  Been healed of being an abusive mother, sister, wife?   (I’m trying not to come across as a douche, and I’ll touch on the homosexuality later.  I’m in theatre, I have to address it lol)

Then there’s the fake smiles, the how-are-you’s, the potlucks, movie nights, outreaches, etc.  It’s all so…dead.  I remember my last church when we put on at least two or three incredible performances.  I’m in the performing arts so I tried to minister through theatre.  We put on a hilarious spoof of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe while still retaining the salvation message.  Our final production was a original fantasy allegory based in a fictional kingdom, complete with fantastic costumes, lighting, romance, music.  It was the best play we’d ever done, and then our pastor shut down the drama ministry and there was nothing really left for me there.  So I switched churches and I love the pastor, he’s really cool and personable.  Except there’s no drama ministry and the lack of people my age is ridiculous.  Small matters, anyway.

   So now that I’m rambling, let’s jump to the point.  I can’t seem to tell anyone that I’m struggling with this.  My Mom would flip, simply because it’s how I’ve been raised and she’ll blame it on me going out twice a week to drink and hang with friends or some nonsense.  I can’t tell her anything, because I was home-schooled through high school and she knows how I should have been raised.  She’ll haul me off to the pastor and he won’t give me any answers because that’s how we’ve been taught.  Because the Bible says so.  And believe it or not, that’s what upsets me the most.

  Take homosexuality, for instance.  I’m in theatre, I’m not gay, but I have gay friends.  I hang out with some of them from time to time, and avoid the ones who can be bitchy and cause trouble.  My Mom seems to think they’re a disease spread to trap me or some nonsense, but I know where I stand.  But since I’m in theatre, gays are automatically factored in.  I don’t mind, I don’t care.  I have good gay friends.  Granted some of them have hit on me from time to time, but that’s only because I try to be a great friend.  I’ll listen to ramblings and rumblings and mutters and groans.  I’m there until you tell me to go.

   Right, so, homosexuality.  My driving force here is that my friend, a young professor at a different university, is both gay and a Christian.  Naturally I was baffled and so I dove into research because I was curious as to how he could be.  Everyone knows (read: has been taught) that homosexuality is condemned in the Bible.  If I went with this story to my pastor, he’d point out the same Scriptures.

  Sodom and Gomorrah, for example.  They were destroyed due to the town’s homosexual acts, right?  I find it hard to believe that the entirety of both cities were made of strictly gay men.  What of the women and children?  And the Bible says they wanted to the sleep with the angels who visited Lot.  In Scripture, the cities were condemned because they craved “strange flesh”, ie; that of angelic beings.  Rape in this context was (and is still) a display of power.  Remember Lot’s daughters?  The men wanted to rape them as well.  I don’t think gay men sleep with straight women.

  Also, everyone brings up Leviticus 18:22, “You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination.”  Leviticus is a book of law.  Basically it’s instructions on how to keep clean, since that was of huge importance in the day.  For example, the coffee in the cup and the cup is clean, but if the coffee is spilled on the clothes, it’s considered unclean or “out of place.”  The same could be considered with homosexuality; man and a woman are fine, but man with a man is considered out of place because relationships at that time consisted of an aggressive male and a passive female, not two aggressive males or aggressive and passive males.

  Along that route, if being gay is unclean, so aren’t menstruating women (since they’re considered unclean or “not whole” during this time), mixing animal breeds (I’m looking at my basset hound), or relationships between equals (men and women, different colors, nationalities?)  Whoa.

   To be clear, I’m not suddenly a raging horny homosexual.  I’m attempting to dig deeper, because it’s confusing to me.  I’m in a middle ground, a gray area, if you will.  I’ve even heard that prior to 1964, the word “homosexual” wasn’t even listed in the Bible.  Which means, through translation or different versions of the Scriptures, it was added in.  And if I’m correct, the Word strictly declares not to add or remove any text from it.  I still have to follow this up, though.  Not entirely sure if it’s true.

  So there’s where I stand.  I’m just a little lost.  Church seemed like a big smack of REPENT ASK FOR FORGIVENESS YOUR SINS SUCK today.  Growing up, my Mom would say guilt was associated with the Holy Spirit inside us, letting us know what we were doing was wrong.  And to be honest, I’m not sure I follow.  It’s just that I’ve been told all this stuff throughout my life, and questioning it was a no-no.

   I do believe in God.  I believe in Creation.  As crazy as it sounds, I believe in the death and resurrection of Christ.  Because there HAS to be something so incredibly deep and wonderful in this world to hang on to that we don’t understand, otherwise we’d be lost.

  So, I’m asking questions.  Please don’t take offense to anything I’ve said…no harm was intended.

I want to remember this. Palms up-stretched to the lights, speakers blaring We Are Young, and everything is so bad it feels right. Because for a second, we’re only human beings with a desire for love. And that’s all that matters, just for this moment.

It legit looks like I mauled a baby animal on our dining room table.

Of crayons.



Beat that!

Read: sitting at home drinking and playing video games.

No but really I need to go out and cause some mayhem. Discover ALL the buttershots recipes!

It comes out as buttershits. It’s highly amusing.